I would love to share my thoughts if I were anonymous, but a strong feeling tells me I am not.
This time I said, I gotta do it. I’ve been thinking of writing and almost never did. I can’t even remember when was my last post or what was it about.
But, this blog is dear to my heart, I will keep it alive as long as I am alive. so here we go.
It was 1:38 am when I opened this page to write. I am sleep deprived, this is taking a toll on my memory, it is short-span and it is ok. I am a new mother and it is a phase that will pass, like the other times.
My adorable little girl, Saleema is 3 months old. I love her in a way that is more caring and fierce because I have a guilt feeling toward her. I exhausted myself when I was pregnant. Which is a mistake I am still doing.
I am generally calm and relaxed person. But this has been changing since my father passed away. I keep thinking that there are deadlines, there is always stress and urgency. It is tiresome.
this tendency to urge things got stronger when I was admitted into a hospital when I got sick suddenly. There was no chance to collect my stuff, no chance to prepare my kids’ bags or arrange things at home, no chance to handover my projects. It was an abrupt cut from life into isolation, doing nothing and basically not being able to do a thing. That was a harsh reminder that said: Amna, wake up! at any moment you are going to die and leave everything behind. Are You Ready!
AM I READY!!
So I am always feeling stressed and the lists of the things I want to do are endless in my head, my brain is overworking and restless. alongside this, I developed an annoying habit of organizing things on-the-go. I can’t leave a thing unorganized and I keep organizing and fixing things that maybe can be left untouched.
It is counterproductive, time-consuming with no real outcomes. That is sad. because this habit has a power over me like it is a compulsive disorder.
I am not a control freak, but it is painful to me to see things out of order, I pay attention to details that are not necessary and in doing so I miss the big picture.
That was one thing I wanted to write about,
Another thing is the signs that I get from the cosmos that my time is over at my workplace. I have to follow my passion. I want to lead myself and pour my heart and dedication into something of my own. I can’t seem to find it yet, and I will say that I am in the pursuit of this passion. Till I find it, keep safe.
finished @ 2:37 am